heartache

i tot after a couple of days all the comments would be quiet down...i tot of escaping from complaining here by distracting my mind from tis awful thoughts...when i c the mirror i hated so much the 'brand new hairstyle' which i would labelled it..i might be exaggerating too much here...i just dono how 2 express my feelings...i know i cnt put the blame on anyone...it was me who shut up my mouth when the hairstylist ask bout my opinion....i've been struggling so hard to ignore all those comments n the weird stares from stangers...but, i just cnt help it...i know ppl are giving me comments without any bad intention but it was my own problem, i hv to fight against myself b4 the next step...it killed my confidence, perhaps i'm extra 2 conservative 2 accept any extreme changes...yeah, i'm a coward which i wouldn't deny it...jz couldn't help it

lost

jz finish class not long ago...don feel like going back 2 room n without realising, i bring myself to the lab...read bout phoebe's blog, guess i know wat's really goin on...ya, we don realise how much tat person mean to us till we loose them...tat's reality of life, i called them..in fact, we often remind ourselves to appreciate n treasure the person when you hv the chance, n yet we tend to do the other way round....i knew i hurt 'the person' alot, i've tried many times to control my unreasonale n unbearable outburst, but the outcome is still the same...do i really hav the heart to change or izzit i'm giving myself an excuse? i know very well tat i will be punished someday for what i had done...as a saying goes. tip for tap. i truly believe it as i had experienced it myself...dono wat shud i do......

i've changed

i can feel tat i've changed in certain aspect, but till now i still can't find out the truth behind this...n i feel the way i've been treating 'tat some1' has changed tremendously...wat's happening? all of a sudden it happened just like tat....i know 'tat some1' must b deeply hurt, just 'tat some1' didn't express it out or mayb giving me some hints tat 'tat some1' can sense something wrong too...i jz wanna say tat i really hope things will so back soon as normal...sincerely...i really don hope things will keep on goin like tis..

trust me.....

don wanna leave

i've been emotinally disturbed lately due to certain thing n during my hols 4 1 month plus, it's like i've been on medication all the time...hw long should i suffer like tat? i received some news tat the person i knew has passed away recently n it's really freaking me out...i scared it will b my turn soon...wat should i do? hopefully everything is fine...many types of medic i had taken n singse n oso doctor i had see...hw come there has not been any positive sign? pls tell me wat 2 do... i'm really scared the worst might come true...i really don1 2 leave tis world so soon...there's so many things i haven't do...

plssssssss help.................

the truth revealed at last

the things tat r least expected will come 2 u unexpectedly, it's just a matter of time u c...i got to know smth which remain as a secret for him for the past 18 months i guess...i was totally heartbroken when i was informed bout it although it has got nth 2 do wit me nw...but y am i being treated like tis? izzit i deserved it? i'm tryin my very best 2 put everything a stop n start my new life...indeed i'm doin it rite nw

fAvOurIte tIm3

just took my dinner n ended up in front of the pc...sent aunty dolly n uncle bob bck tis morning...it happened like they just come over fw days ago, never 2 realise tat it was actually 3 weeks d...time really flies, which i was hoping for when i'm trapped in tat awful place, n it actually come true where i am in a place of heaven now, my lovely home...

since the day i'm back from campus, din really hv a gd rest...i'm totally enjoying my hols till the fullest...went 2 maxwell hill n taiping lake the 1st day of hols, 2nd day in the pg island, the next day where my adorable yen yen n tis talkative jaden come over 2 my hse 2 pay a visit for my grandma n plus spending their wesak hol at pg...really hav a great time...

really 10s 4 everything...u know who u r...eventhough it was just a fw hours outing, i'm really enjoying every single moment...really appreciate it...i'm really touched from the way u treating my family...as like they r part of urs 2...dono hw 2 express my feelings...recall the moment when we were riding tat tiny boat, really very funny...every1 seems 2 b enjoying their time, while both of us ride so fast as like we were in a competition...sweat all the way...tat guy must b thinking wat's up wit us...haha...

sorry 4 all those hurtful words n my doubt towards u...i hope my perception is correct tis time...prove 2 me 2 keep me silent...cheers

shattered

i don even know how i wanna express my feelings...2molo i'm goin bck 2 campus again...really really don feel like goin bck...there's nth 4 me 2 look 4ward anymore...once a nice heart warming welcome has gone...laughter n tears tat we hav shared has been a memory...my heart shattered everytime when i think about it...the place where i belongs 2 doesn't seem as a protecting shield 4 me nw...it has been a place tat haunting me wit those unhappy stuff...when will it all b over?

even i've cried a hundred million times, will it changed the reality? can some1 pls stand at my side n understand hw i feel? does it mean the weaker 1 alwiz hav 2 tolerate n givin in? does it means tat someone who says nth everytime others teases her means she's all rite? can some1 pls spend a fw seconds n think about it? i really got no more strength 2 keep on goin like tis anymore...i really very 'san fu'...the pressure is comin 1 by 1...

sometimes make me feel like givin up everything....

guILTy

the feeling of guilt overcome me rite nw...very regret of wat i've did n said...but those hurtful words uttered from me can't be taken back...i realised my unreasonable outburst sometimes is unbearable...my heart aches...very sorry for wat i've done...bt i don hav the courage to appologised...i truly know its for my own good, mayb i'm not in their position which makes me can't understand their thinking...very sorry...i promised not to let myself get hurt again...don worry

mixed feelings...lazy

i've been reading ppl's blog all the time n finally i've ended up myself here...never been updating my blog for quite sometimes...perhaps i'm unwilling to voice out my thoughts or i'm just don hav the mood to 2 do so..feel like my english is getting worst nowadays...i realised tat i can't even speak fluently as i do last time...sigh....everything is changing from good to bad...even my mentor has been asking me wat happen wit my results..when i'm back home, again the letter from the KUOK foundation..hav 2 post my results to them, feel very unsecure, wat if they decided to cancel off my study award loan after realising my results had been dropping since the 1st sem? couldn't b bothered, i might go insane 1 day if there are too many things playing in my head...arghhhh

never been doin any revision since sunday...i know tat i might broke down the last minute again..tat is me..haha..hav been making the same resolution every sem after getting the result..'nvm, i promise myself i will work harder the next sem'...but without realising, hw many sems actually are left for me 2 strive? tat's 2 more left...2 more..imagine tat...oh no, after tat i will b graduating n will engage in the working world, by tat time i'm soon goin to b 24...so old d...sometimes feel like the time flies, but sometimes its like everything just happen yesterday

do i hav aim in my life? this question remain unsolved all tis while...i'm really not sure of wat i want..sometimes the pressure from the surrounding make me think twice whether to go a step further..i knew very clearly wat my parents hope n the people i knew would expect, but i'm just very lost, 1 simple problem causes me alot of question marks...but at the same time, i realise tat i've been wasting his time n mayb making him plunged in more deeply, which is a very selfish attitude of me, i won't deny it cz i knew it very clearly...i know n i can feel tat he's really trying his best n putting alot of effort to convince me...but i just can't give him a satisfying answer...i knew tat i'm not perfect n yet i still complain n expect so much from him...very terrible n horrible of me...scared i might get my punishment in the future...tat's wat a saying goes 'tip for tap' , how u treat ppl, tat's hw u will b treated in return...

hoping one day i might get a solution to all the problems tat bothering me...praying....

boTh3rInG

after finished my mid sem exam...hav 2 settle all those assignments pula...really cannot get a good rest..been hoping 4 the time 2 pass quickly...sick of tis place...everything can change in just a blink of eye..scary huh? is like i can even count the numbers of words comin out from my mouth everyday...if i din take the 1st move..izit the condition will keep goin on like tis all the time? pls help...if i'v done anything wrong, couldn't she just speak it out n settle it rather than having a barrier between us? torturing...

~only those who experienced it know how it feel~

i tot as days passed, it will be getting better...the truth is the other way round..it hurts alot when the 1 u treated whole heartedly, u cared for the most suddenly turns her back at u without any reasonable or acceptable reason...it's really affecting me in everything...very stress out and truly disappointed...everytime when i tought of it, i feel very very sad, is tis wat i get in return when i sincerely trusting n appreciate 1 relationship?

the truth hurt as much as lies do..eventhough i've cried uncountable time, everything still remain the same...when will it back 2 normal again? or will it be getting worst day by day? she's been successfully placing herself a place in my heart, but at the same time, she had succecded in hurting me deeply

sometimes make me wonder do true friendship really exist? can the person around u b trusted? will they betray u 1 day? it really open up my eyes to c the cruelty of the truth.....obviously disappointing....i dono hw long can i conpromise, acting as is nth happen, pretend to the whole world tat i'm find, i'm ok, but no1 could ever understand how i feel....

sUndAy-11.01pm

Back 2 my blog again…haven’t been updating it 4 quite sometime..maklumlah, lazy fellow, haha, depends on my mood…back home again 4 my mid sem + cny break…but very sad, the 4th day hav 2 go back d, tot cn come bck pray on the 8th day of cny, who knows received the news tat got exam the next day, disappointed…last yr already missed the prayers, tot cn celebrate at home tis yr, but the same thing happen again…

Wat I had been up 2 tis fw weeks??? Drove all the way 2 padang besar n alor star, 1st time in Kedah I drive n without my parents knowledge, n who knows kena block at the main gate, so memalukan, luckily the guard din ask 4 my matrix num cz speeding, haha…b4 tat I was so pressure 2 drive cz 4 ppls life are in my hand, big responsibility plus I just drive occasionally when I’m bck in my hometown n I tat my driving skills r nt tat good, sometimes will mati enjin…hehe, luckily everything goes on smoothly n quite enjoy the outing n spent a lot oso, haha…proud of myself, 1st time drive so far..haha…bangga bangga

Went for 1 day trip 2 alor star wit the changlun Buddhist association members…wit all which I consider as kids n oso a fw campus fren who in charge of the trip…I’m considered as pendatang asing as I never join any of their activities b4 n they oso curious bout me cz when they look at the name list, questions popping out from their mind…who is tis fellow? Hw does she looks like? So memalukan….haha...the whole journey was indeed very enjoyable although there’s a few gina kia who r very mischievous n sometimes quite annoying, but without them, it will b boring actually...haha…among those kids, 2 of them caught my attention, qi han n chen xiong, both in std 6, best frens…they really looks alike n many mistaken them as siblings…diff family background…my heart felt uneasy when ah xiong told me bout his story…sometimes I feel I’m very lucky n grateful 2 b who n where I am nw…should b thankful n not complaining anymore…there’s many out the who r less fortunate…come 2 dinner time…I was so touched tat he knows hw 2 take the dishes 4 me without asking…mayb its jus a small gesture of his…but it really touches my heart…when the time 2 leave, I just couldn’t control my emotion n burst into tears…hate tis kind of feeling…I know tat every beginning there must b an ending 4 it, just don like it…really miss them very much

Realized tat I’ve been goin out all the time lately…n oso spending 4 the unnecessary stuff…the day when I bck home, went 2 my cousin’s hse, baby yu heng is bcomin more adorable,very lovely…in just a blink of eye, its already 9 months plus… everything seems 2 move on so fast although hw unwilling r we 2 accept it…sigh…the next day went out wit my cousin…hav a heart 2 heart talk…miss those sweet memories…recall back the time when we were single, 3 of us went 2 work 2gether, sing 2gether, laugh 2gether, cry 2gether but nw everything has changed…left wit those memories, she has her own family n her sis leads her own life wit her bf n me...don wanna mention it

Went 2 gurney plaza wit ching n chen…never been 2 island for quite sometimes already…...hanging out at red box 4 3 hrs n guess wat, in the room, there’s not only the 3 of us, gt 1 more rat, haha, we r thinking tat the yr of rat oni leh, need 2 put a rat wit us in the room meh,haha …sing till no more voice…although dono, but still wanna show off…muahahaha….bought a shirt, nth more...dinner at the hawker stall…my fav lok lok n oso laksa..haha…been eating a lot since the day I’m bck…hav 2 control b4 I regret, bersusah-payah oni reduce 1 kg, cut down on my supper d….wah, considered a big sacrifice leh as i'm a food addict…haha…

I’m goin 2 kena from phoebe when she’s bck home…cham…sigh…really dono hw 2 explain....everythin happen so fast tat I’m not prepared 2 declare anything…nth big deal actually…I’m the 1 tat make things complicated…really no sense of direction, aimless…hw am I goin 2 survive when I’m in the real working world??? I know tat I’m very dependant, hav 2 change, doubt I can make it…No confident…without tis, I know i’m already a loser in any battle…

again

in less than an hrs time i will b goin bck 2 the jungle again...lesson starts officially tis week...realised tat i've been having a hard time coping wit some things surrounding me...tired n don feel like pretending anymore, but the fact is tat u gt no choice in order 2 fit urself in...y hav 2 b tis way? y izzit me? or the real problem is actually from me myself? i've never been laughing or smiling sincerely from the bottom of my heart since i bck there...depressed, pressure, fear is wat which overcomes me...there's still a long way more to go i know....wonder hw long can i go on wit tis kind of life....patience....

went shopping wit chen yesterday..bought a pair of jeans n some stuffs n it already cost me 100+ bucks...i realised i've been spending 2 much recently..now hav 2 b kuai kuai d...haha..as if i can...saw my campus fren..haha..wat a coincident...just 1 or 2 cars away from mine...really a small small world

bumped into phoebe's cousin bro at the market n hav a very short conversation..it has been 2 or 3 yrs since we last met each other at siaw tempo's tuition..haha..memories wit my buddies flashed back in my mind..we used 2 talk alot n never pay attention in the tuition...hw irrespect n notti r we tat time...memories again....

-2008-

its a beginning of another year again...wondering wat hav i achieved throughout last yr...i think i've been much more cheerful compared 2 last time...even my mum agreed wit tat,she's the who who says tat 2 me n she's very happy 2 c me leading a happy life again,well, mayb i don realised hw do my 2 yrs plus relationship hav shaped me into..happy n sad times, ups n downs, laughters and tears..its all past...i shouldn't hav mentionin it again perhaps...

went to autocity 4 countdown, the only most happening place around tat area,wat a pity,haha...my cousin met my ex there n she called me...but don hav the chance 2 meet up since my fren was finding a place 4 parking...fated, when i was walking around, i realised my eyes were wandering about, scared might bumped into him unexpectedly although i know he was there...but at last ended up wit disappointment or mayb its a good thing tat it didn't happen...deep down in my heart, i do know tat somehow it will happen someday where we might bumped into each other again..n tat time i can really tell tat whether i had let everything go or the other way round.. sometimes, memories do haunt me although it has been a year...4get bout it..

a fren from ipoh came 2 celebrate my advanced birthday wit me, but ended up the cake tat he bought for me was left in the fridge till the next day.. very bad of me as i refused 2 cut the cake,haha...lame excuse again..don wanna accept the fact tat i'm 1 year older again..sigh...so fast 22 yrs old d..age is catching up...10s 4 the flowers n rabbit, really very appreciate it..love it very much...n the rabbit even follow me bck 2 campus, don mistaken, haha..not the alive rabbit of cz, i still remember wat my grandma say..'pity the rabbit let u squeeze till like tat' haha...n 1 more thing...received the most special n extraordinary present from phoebe n jamie...haha, so sweet but i dare not wear it..hehe...celebrated my birthday at campus wit my roomates n coursemates...wish? don wanna mention it again...miracles? will it happen on me? mayb its a good thing tat everything has back 2 normal...n mayb its goin 2 b the start of another new life...can i considered as life? haha..dono hw 2 define it...

can't deny tat he really treats me good...mayb its just the beginning or mayb not..but i'm really finding myself very hard 2 commit n trust some1 again...the past hurt me badly..leaving me wit nth except those memories....i know its unfair 4 me 2 campare both of them, but it happens naturally..tat's very bad of me i know, even me myself oso imperfect...some will say tat y so fast wanna engage in another relationship again? don't u wanna enjoy ur single life 1st? y r u so eager of finding the other half? no comment..it happens just like tat..mayb tis is wat we call fate...i realise sometimes wat i 1 it won't turn out to b the exact thing tat i wish for...but i can c tat he's really trying very hard 2 please me...dare not make any conclusion tat early, as i've realised tat when things wanna change, it can just happen in a blink of eye, scary...i know it might hurt one's feelings, but...hope tat my instinct is correct...blur of not sure wat i want actually...words of comfort tat he gav n small little things tat he did touches my heart...10s 4 everything...very very appreciate it...suddenly recall wat my fren once sent me a meaningful sms 'when god takes smth away from ur hands, he is not punishing u but merely emptying ur hand 4 u 2 receive smth better'...suddenly words from my mum flash through my mind, i'll consider hard on it....hopefully i won't make the wrong decision again...can't afford 2 bear wit the consequences...time will proof everything..tis is wat i feel